im not a super emotional person. ok that was an understatement. i have a heart of stone. stone cold like limestone. like granite. like edward cullen's skin. my heart is vampire skin.
i once went over 5 months without crying. not one single solitary tear, not of happiness nor of sadness. i submitted myself to a grey's anatomy marathon to try and evoke a weep. couldn't happen. whilst an amiga of mine bragged about how she cried herself to sleep every night, woke up still crying, and continued to cry all day long (she didn't need to tell me- i was present and aware. oh boy was i aware.), i carried on with my desert eyes and edward-skin heart. needless to say, im not a weeper.
that is, until recently. lately i can't keep a tear in my eye to save my life. i watch grey's, i cry like a small child. mother's day, i weep tenderly. it was all i could do to not bawl in the theater during the trailer for my sister's keeper. (watch this and tell me if you can't keep from crying... then i'll tell you who has a heart of vampire skin.)
upon careful analysis, i have come up with three possible options for my emotional state:
1 after never, i mean never ever never, having been away from my parents for more than 10 days (and even then i was only in provo), i am preparing to leave the country for who knows how long. i may never return or see my family ever again.
2 i recently graduated from college and am being thrown haphazardly, like an infant from the top of a tall building, into the real world where i have to be a grown up.
3 izzy stevens has stage 4 metastatic melanoma with metastasises to the liver, brain, and skin, and has a 5% chance of survival. last week after she married karev, she lost all of her hair.
it does not take a rocket scientist nor a brain surgeon to conclude that 3 is the most obvious and only option that is even remotely plausible as the cause for my ever-swelling heart and leaky eyes. dear izzy stevens, please dont die.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
lovepeacesocialresponsibility
today i was set to interview for a job that i didn't want, so i decided not to go to the interview. and do you know what i did?
i called them.
yep! i called! i called and said i wasn't interested in the job so i wasn't coming in! was it scary? i almost peed my pants a little. i hung up and i was like "check me out. i am the quintessence of responsibility." so i did a little responsibility dance. a jig. a responsibility jig. and then i remembered the other day when something similar happened- i couldn't do something, so i sent an email, and i was honest (none of this "i had a death in the family" crap. i have used that so many times people probably thing im an orphan... and a widow).
so i started tallying my efforts of social responsibility... 5 points for calling in to the interview, 2.7 points for emptying my garbage whilst i got gas instead of throwing it out the window on the freeway, 3 points for turning off my power strip before i left the house for the weekend.
then i threw my apple core onto my neighbor's front porch. minus 4 points.
why onto the neighbor's front porch? because i was sitting on my front porch, my hand was so so sticky from eating my apple, and i didn't want to hold it anymore. why didn't i take it in the house? i was locked out. but only for like 3 hours so no big deal! so yeah i bowled it on over to the neighbor's. i live in a condo so i can do that. i can bowl things on over to the neighbor's.
i also threw away 6 plastic grocery bags after i grocery shopped at macey's this week. in the garbage. minus 1.68 points, .28 points per bag.
at the end of my tallying, i was positive 16 points! go me. but then i thought of the real kicker.
oh yeah i killed the easter bunny. minus one million points.
i called them.
yep! i called! i called and said i wasn't interested in the job so i wasn't coming in! was it scary? i almost peed my pants a little. i hung up and i was like "check me out. i am the quintessence of responsibility." so i did a little responsibility dance. a jig. a responsibility jig. and then i remembered the other day when something similar happened- i couldn't do something, so i sent an email, and i was honest (none of this "i had a death in the family" crap. i have used that so many times people probably thing im an orphan... and a widow).
so i started tallying my efforts of social responsibility... 5 points for calling in to the interview, 2.7 points for emptying my garbage whilst i got gas instead of throwing it out the window on the freeway, 3 points for turning off my power strip before i left the house for the weekend.
then i threw my apple core onto my neighbor's front porch. minus 4 points.
why onto the neighbor's front porch? because i was sitting on my front porch, my hand was so so sticky from eating my apple, and i didn't want to hold it anymore. why didn't i take it in the house? i was locked out. but only for like 3 hours so no big deal! so yeah i bowled it on over to the neighbor's. i live in a condo so i can do that. i can bowl things on over to the neighbor's.
i also threw away 6 plastic grocery bags after i grocery shopped at macey's this week. in the garbage. minus 1.68 points, .28 points per bag.
at the end of my tallying, i was positive 16 points! go me. but then i thought of the real kicker.
oh yeah i killed the easter bunny. minus one million points.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
lovepeaceanimalmurder
about a week ago in my journey of self-discovery, i finally came to terms with the fact that i am not an animal lover. it has always been my deep and dark secret, perhaps my deepest and darkest. in first grade when all the other girls wanted to be vets, i wanted to be an ice skater. in third grade when all the other girls chose the lisa frank trapper keepers with cats and horses, i wanted the genie one. i love my maggie and i aspire one day to own a weimaraner, but that's the end of my rope. i don't ride horses, i'm afraid of birds, and i am intolerant of cats.
as if the universe was aware of my reconcilliation, punishment was sent my way like a plague of locusts. the universe's method of torture? exposure to animal murder.
the first exposure is the most dramatic and surely the saddest. in fact, it might be the most dramatic and saddest thing that has ever happened to me ever in my whole life. if you are easily upset, you might want to skip this one.
i killed the easter bunny. we'll be lucky if easter comes at all this year.
in transit from denver (where citizen cope changed my life), at an hour of the morning which shall not be named in which it is dark, rabbit felt it necessary to cross the road. my options were limited: kill the bunny or kill five very neat, very beautiful 20-something-year-olds.
so jack lost the battle.
second exposure is just weird. if you are easily upset, i'd skip this one too. whilst i sat through yet another consumer behavior presentation, i was exposed to this commercial:
nuff said.
lastly, the lure of a space heater and a coffee toffee frosty coaxed me into four hours of the third lord of the rings movie. i absolutely won't complain for reasons not listed here,
but you know that part at the beginning when smeagol takes a bite out of a fish? i wasn't warned and i'll never eat sushi again. ok i might eat sushi again because i really like it, but if my stomach lurches we have smeagol to blame. sbaglio tuo, smeagol.
as if the universe was aware of my reconcilliation, punishment was sent my way like a plague of locusts. the universe's method of torture? exposure to animal murder.
the first exposure is the most dramatic and surely the saddest. in fact, it might be the most dramatic and saddest thing that has ever happened to me ever in my whole life. if you are easily upset, you might want to skip this one.
i killed the easter bunny. we'll be lucky if easter comes at all this year.
in transit from denver (where citizen cope changed my life), at an hour of the morning which shall not be named in which it is dark, rabbit felt it necessary to cross the road. my options were limited: kill the bunny or kill five very neat, very beautiful 20-something-year-olds.
VS
so jack lost the battle.
second exposure is just weird. if you are easily upset, i'd skip this one too. whilst i sat through yet another consumer behavior presentation, i was exposed to this commercial:
nuff said.
lastly, the lure of a space heater and a coffee toffee frosty coaxed me into four hours of the third lord of the rings movie. i absolutely won't complain for reasons not listed here,
but you know that part at the beginning when smeagol takes a bite out of a fish? i wasn't warned and i'll never eat sushi again. ok i might eat sushi again because i really like it, but if my stomach lurches we have smeagol to blame. sbaglio tuo, smeagol.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
lovepeaceeyecancer
i recently became engrossed with the notion that i have eye cancer. at first it was a passing thought but as the evidence has begun to manifest itself, the thought has stuck...
i decided to investigate by running a list of my symptoms on Web MD. if i wasn't a hypochondriac before i visited Web MD, i am now! the problem is that they give you a comprehensive list of symptoms to choose from. at first i was discriminatory but soon the list began to wear down my soul.
do you have neon floaty zigzags in your eye?
nothing of the sort.
do you have wandering lines in your field of vision?
uh not really.
do cloudy spots float across your retina at frequent intervals?
well now that you mention it...
do you see shapes, letters, numbers, musical notes, and incan hieroglyphics in neon colors?
yes, yes, how did you know!
once i realize that i do indeed see incan hieroglyphics in neon colors, i remember that i actually do have some wandering lines and floaty zigzags so i have to go back and change those answers to yes.
so by the time i finish the symptom checker, turns out i don't have eye cancer at all... i have, in reality, a brain aneurysm! just as i suspected.
so that's it then. i'm going the way of izzy stevens. mom asked if i wanted to go see the doctor. it doesn't matter now, mom. if grey's has taught me one thing it is that things like brain aneurysms aren't found the first time around... or the second, or the third. it isn't until you force an entire army of surgical interns to study your case that they find the cause of your pain. and even then, you're screwed unless one of the interns has a photographic memory and happened to memorize the chapter about detecting brain aneurysms when every single test comes back standard. so the odds aren't really in my favor.
no complaints though- i've had a very fulfilling 20 years. i've seen a lot of great things. like the glorious return of harem pants. my only wish is that when the aneurysm ruptures and i begin to bleed into my brain (subarachnoid hemorrhaging), somebody fly my fated corpse to a savage land so that Justin will let me be cremated without banishing my soul to hell.
(btw, it's no coincidence that cremation rhymes with elation... and vacation, and salvation, and celebration.)
i decided to investigate by running a list of my symptoms on Web MD. if i wasn't a hypochondriac before i visited Web MD, i am now! the problem is that they give you a comprehensive list of symptoms to choose from. at first i was discriminatory but soon the list began to wear down my soul.
do you have neon floaty zigzags in your eye?
nothing of the sort.
do you have wandering lines in your field of vision?
uh not really.
do cloudy spots float across your retina at frequent intervals?
well now that you mention it...
do you see shapes, letters, numbers, musical notes, and incan hieroglyphics in neon colors?
yes, yes, how did you know!
once i realize that i do indeed see incan hieroglyphics in neon colors, i remember that i actually do have some wandering lines and floaty zigzags so i have to go back and change those answers to yes.
so by the time i finish the symptom checker, turns out i don't have eye cancer at all... i have, in reality, a brain aneurysm! just as i suspected.
so that's it then. i'm going the way of izzy stevens. mom asked if i wanted to go see the doctor. it doesn't matter now, mom. if grey's has taught me one thing it is that things like brain aneurysms aren't found the first time around... or the second, or the third. it isn't until you force an entire army of surgical interns to study your case that they find the cause of your pain. and even then, you're screwed unless one of the interns has a photographic memory and happened to memorize the chapter about detecting brain aneurysms when every single test comes back standard. so the odds aren't really in my favor.
no complaints though- i've had a very fulfilling 20 years. i've seen a lot of great things. like the glorious return of harem pants. my only wish is that when the aneurysm ruptures and i begin to bleed into my brain (subarachnoid hemorrhaging), somebody fly my fated corpse to a savage land so that Justin will let me be cremated without banishing my soul to hell.
(btw, it's no coincidence that cremation rhymes with elation... and vacation, and salvation, and celebration.)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
lovepeacegod
tonight i braved the grocery store at 11:40. oh i'll just wear my
uggs and performance fleece-
it's 11:40 on a Saturday night and I won't know anybody at maceys...
WRONGO!
i nearly escaped,
but as i checked out a nice masculine voice called my name-
i turned around and found parker mangum, affectionately referred to as
god.
oh hey parker mangum.
hey god.
hey god you looked good half-naked in this month's square magazine.
i told him that too!
i'm banking on the fact that neither god nor anyone who knows god
nor anyone who knows god's long-term gf is reading this.
my fan base is maxed out at 4 right now so i think i'm safe-
but just in case god gets his hands on this...
MI DISPIACE DIO MA NON POSSO CONTROLLARMI! COLPA MIA, OK?
(yeah god speaks italiano)
uggs and performance fleece-
it's 11:40 on a Saturday night and I won't know anybody at maceys...
WRONGO!
i nearly escaped,
but as i checked out a nice masculine voice called my name-
i turned around and found parker mangum, affectionately referred to as
god.
oh hey parker mangum.
hey god.
hey god you looked good half-naked in this month's square magazine.
i told him that too!
i'm banking on the fact that neither god nor anyone who knows god
nor anyone who knows god's long-term gf is reading this.
my fan base is maxed out at 4 right now so i think i'm safe-
but just in case god gets his hands on this...
MI DISPIACE DIO MA NON POSSO CONTROLLARMI! COLPA MIA, OK?
(yeah god speaks italiano)
Friday, March 13, 2009
lovepeaceconsumerism
I'm a consumer. I consume.
I recently consumed at a lot of places (I ran my errands). This is what went down:
SUBWAY: Why did I think I could get a decent Subway sandwich via drive-thru? Have you seen the menu at the Subway drive-thru? Maybe the Orem one is just deficient but there are NO LISTS! Bread, meat, vegetables, sauces... nope. If you don't already know which vegetables you want, you're screwed. Imagine my shock when Jorge asks for my order and I have to concoct something from memory.
Maybe it's a cost-saving tool. If you don't tell the consumer you have red onions, they won't order red onions and then you can stop buying so many red onions. Well I knew that they had red onions and I ORDERED my red onions! And two hours later when I was in yoga, they did not taste good.
WAL-MART: I hate Wal-Mart. And I still go there. They provide me with 6 24-ounce Diet Mt. Dews for $3.50. They give me S'more's cereal for $2 flat. It's a love-hate relationship.
BARNES & NOBLE: Last week I needed to read 2 measly chapters out of a book for my entrepreneurial marketing class. Rather than spend $27 on the book, I thought to just read the chapters whilst in B & N. Short on time, I altered my plans to buy the book and return it the next day. Bought it in Orem, returned it in Sandy, inbd. This week I needed the book again, so with lots of time and real intentions to stay in the store, I returned to the Orem B & N... only this time the book is gone! OH NO WHERE DID IT GO! Oh yes, I took it out of this store and took it to another. If ever anyone has shot themselves in the foot, it was me and it was unethical and I was being punished.
24-HOUR: I love 24-hour. Every piece of my heart loves every piece of 24-hour. But I'm making a new rule and this is it:
Before entering yoga, one must remove one's shoes and submit one's feet to an odor test. If one's feet fail, one will not be allowed to enter.
Little miss sweet feet next to me nearly threw off my vinyasa flow with her lethal limbs. In my book of mental marks, she has been marked. She and Wal-Mart have been marked. And red onions have been marked too.
I recently consumed at a lot of places (I ran my errands). This is what went down:
SUBWAY: Why did I think I could get a decent Subway sandwich via drive-thru? Have you seen the menu at the Subway drive-thru? Maybe the Orem one is just deficient but there are NO LISTS! Bread, meat, vegetables, sauces... nope. If you don't already know which vegetables you want, you're screwed. Imagine my shock when Jorge asks for my order and I have to concoct something from memory.
Maybe it's a cost-saving tool. If you don't tell the consumer you have red onions, they won't order red onions and then you can stop buying so many red onions. Well I knew that they had red onions and I ORDERED my red onions! And two hours later when I was in yoga, they did not taste good.
WAL-MART: I hate Wal-Mart. And I still go there. They provide me with 6 24-ounce Diet Mt. Dews for $3.50. They give me S'more's cereal for $2 flat. It's a love-hate relationship.
BARNES & NOBLE: Last week I needed to read 2 measly chapters out of a book for my entrepreneurial marketing class. Rather than spend $27 on the book, I thought to just read the chapters whilst in B & N. Short on time, I altered my plans to buy the book and return it the next day. Bought it in Orem, returned it in Sandy, inbd. This week I needed the book again, so with lots of time and real intentions to stay in the store, I returned to the Orem B & N... only this time the book is gone! OH NO WHERE DID IT GO! Oh yes, I took it out of this store and took it to another. If ever anyone has shot themselves in the foot, it was me and it was unethical and I was being punished.
24-HOUR: I love 24-hour. Every piece of my heart loves every piece of 24-hour. But I'm making a new rule and this is it:
Before entering yoga, one must remove one's shoes and submit one's feet to an odor test. If one's feet fail, one will not be allowed to enter.
Little miss sweet feet next to me nearly threw off my vinyasa flow with her lethal limbs. In my book of mental marks, she has been marked. She and Wal-Mart have been marked. And red onions have been marked too.
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