Sunday, March 22, 2009


i recently became engrossed with the notion that i have eye cancer. at first it was a passing thought but as the evidence has begun to manifest itself, the thought has stuck...

i decided to investigate by running a list of my symptoms on Web MD. if i wasn't a hypochondriac before i visited Web MD, i am now! the problem is that they give you a comprehensive list of symptoms to choose from. at first i was discriminatory but soon the list began to wear down my soul.

do you have neon floaty zigzags in your eye?
nothing of the sort.
do you have wandering lines in your field of vision?
uh not really.
do cloudy spots float across your retina at frequent intervals?
well now that you mention it...
do you see shapes, letters, numbers, musical notes, and incan hieroglyphics in neon colors?
yes, yes, how did you know!

once i realize that i do indeed see incan hieroglyphics in neon colors, i remember that i actually do have some wandering lines and floaty zigzags so i have to go back and change those answers to yes.

so by the time i finish the symptom checker, turns out i don't have eye cancer at all... i have, in reality, a brain aneurysm! just as i suspected.

so that's it then. i'm going the way of izzy stevens. mom asked if i wanted to go see the doctor. it doesn't matter now, mom. if grey's has taught me one thing it is that things like brain aneurysms aren't found the first time around... or the second, or the third. it isn't until you force an entire army of surgical interns to study your case that they find the cause of your pain. and even then, you're screwed unless one of the interns has a photographic memory and happened to memorize the chapter about detecting brain aneurysms when every single test comes back standard. so the odds aren't really in my favor.

no complaints though- i've had a very fulfilling 20 years. i've seen a lot of great things. like the glorious return of harem pants. my only wish is that when the aneurysm ruptures and i begin to bleed into my brain (subarachnoid hemorrhaging), somebody fly my fated corpse to a savage land so that Justin will let me be cremated without banishing my soul to hell.

(btw, it's no coincidence that cremation rhymes with elation... and vacation, and salvation, and celebration.)

Sunday, March 15, 2009


just a glance at easters past.


tonight i braved the grocery store at 11:40. oh i'll just wear my
uggs and performance fleece-
it's 11:40 on a Saturday night and I won't know anybody at maceys...
i nearly escaped,
but as i checked out a nice masculine voice called my name-
i turned around and found parker mangum, affectionately referred to as
oh hey parker mangum.
hey god.
hey god you looked good half-naked in this month's square magazine.
i told him that too!

i'm banking on the fact that neither god nor anyone who knows god
nor anyone who knows god's long-term gf is reading this.

my fan base is maxed out at 4 right now so i think i'm safe-
but just in case god gets his hands on this...
(yeah god speaks italiano)

Friday, March 13, 2009


I'm a consumer. I consume.

I recently consumed at a lot of places (I ran my errands). This is what went down:

SUBWAY: Why did I think I could get a decent Subway sandwich via drive-thru? Have you seen the menu at the Subway drive-thru? Maybe the Orem one is just deficient but there are NO LISTS! Bread, meat, vegetables, sauces... nope. If you don't already know which vegetables you want, you're screwed. Imagine my shock when Jorge asks for my order and I have to concoct something from memory.

Maybe it's a cost-saving tool. If you don't tell the consumer you have red onions, they won't order red onions and then you can stop buying so many red onions. Well I knew that they had red onions and I ORDERED my red onions! And two hours later when I was in yoga, they did not taste good.

WAL-MART: I hate Wal-Mart. And I still go there. They provide me with 6 24-ounce Diet Mt. Dews for $3.50. They give me S'more's cereal for $2 flat. It's a love-hate relationship.

BARNES & NOBLE: Last week I needed to read 2 measly chapters out of a book for my entrepreneurial marketing class. Rather than spend $27 on the book, I thought to just read the chapters whilst in B & N. Short on time, I altered my plans to buy the book and return it the next day. Bought it in Orem, returned it in Sandy, inbd. This week I needed the book again, so with lots of time and real intentions to stay in the store, I returned to the Orem B & N... only this time the book is gone! OH NO WHERE DID IT GO! Oh yes, I took it out of this store and took it to another. If ever anyone has shot themselves in the foot, it was me and it was unethical and I was being punished.

24-HOUR: I love 24-hour. Every piece of my heart loves every piece of 24-hour. But I'm making a new rule and this is it:

Before entering yoga, one must remove one's shoes and submit one's feet to an odor test. If one's feet fail, one will not be allowed to enter.

Little miss sweet feet next to me nearly threw off my vinyasa flow with her lethal limbs. In my book of mental marks, she has been marked. She and Wal-Mart have been marked. And red onions have been marked too.

Sunday, March 8, 2009


in 100 days 14 hours and 53 minutes, i'll be sipping sprite zero, munching on peanuts (i don't really eat peanuts) on a long flight to belgium. my quick layover in ireland will give me just enough time to track down the man from p.s. i love you before continuing onward to the land of the waffle.

the chronicles of my magical adventures will be found here.

just practicing my use of the link feature.

it feels a little bit strano (strange) to just whomp up a blog out of nowhere. it's like what's my past? what's my story? oh i don't have one i am a newborn blogger. a blog fetus. call me cletus the blog fetus. cletus the bletus.

so here's a starting point. a shout out to the best things ever in the whole world: hey! ho! (that's the shout out- i wasn't trying to get the attention of all the hos out there).

the library
say it with me - SUNLIGHT
greys anatomy
lunch dates
ice cream cones
marcus mumford
going to movies
orange (its a phase)

okey dokey artichokey. until next time ciao ciao!