Friday, October 23, 2009


during a typical 3 am-i-cant-sleep-so-i-will-online-shop session last week, i stumbled upon some yoga pants. which color would i choose if i were to buy these pants? light heather gray perhaps? maybe carbon or mole? and that is when i found it. the color that made me stop dead in my tracks. not because of its stunning beauty, but rather because of its wholly illogical name:

goodnight nora.

what color, exactly, would one purport goodnight nora to be? i would guess black, since it is black when i say goodnight to nora. or maybe dark purple because nora strikes me as a purple name and the nighttime makes nora dark. i would be wrong since goodnight nora is, in fact, midnight blue.

a few nights later at fhe we had a family talent show (i wanted to do the berries & cream little lad dance but i forgot to sign up).

some darling girls in the fam spouted off all 120 colors in the 120 count crayola crayon box. i was impressed and promptly looked up the list so that i too could add this skill to my skill box. my favorites were these:

neon carrot


inch worm


scarlet harlot (just kidding its really just scarlet)

upon further inspection of the crayola website, i found that several of my favorite color names have been retired in years past, typically because they are racist or inappropriate (which is probably why they were my favorites). i shall pay tribute to them now. rest in peace dear crayons:

prussian blue


indian red

raw umber (not inappropriate, just strange)

scarlet harlot (just kidding that was never one)

so goodnight nora. keep it colorful.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


today i checked my bank statement online to make sure wal mart didnt overcharge me for my hannah montana fur vest and as i scanned the record, one charge jumped out at me: a charge for 30 dollars even at an address in bountiful. when did i spend exactly 30 dollars in bountiful? what in the world costs exactly 30 dollars besides 30 kiddie cones at mr biggs frozen yogurt at south towne mall and when was i even in bountiful?

then i remembered this story which took place 2 fortnights ago.

as i trekked the trek from work in kaysville to home in sandy, i noticed that the gas gauge was a little bit past the empty sign and nearing sudden death. so i pulled off the freeway in the land full of bounty to fill up.

when i get gas i play this challenging game with the gas pump where i try to stop it right on the dollar and the gas pump tries to make me go over 5 or 7 cents. i typically lose and by typically i mean always. but today was different.

when i passed the 29 dollar mark, i loosened my grip on the handle ever so slightly to slow the flow of petroleum into my '89 prelude that isnt ghetto. i started counting with the dollar gauge, 10...20...30...40... all the way up to 100 and when i got to 100 i LET GO REALLY FAST!

and alas, there it was. 30 dollars even. shaking slightly, i put the pump back into the pump holder. the pump asked if i wanted a receipt and i said no thanks im trying to be green.

and then the pump had the moxie to tell me thank you, as if it were the one who needest be thanking me. and i said no thank you gas pump, really. its been an honor.

and i got in the 'lude (thats short for prelude) and drove away.


the reasons that i love the people in my family today are these:

dad because he takes me on drives to kearns.
mom because she buys me chocolate graham goldfish.
justin because he invites me over to watch monsters vs aliens.
katt because she visits me after going yard selling.
laine because he gives me websites to stream the byu game live.
court because she leaves 3 bit o honeys at my house.
boston because she likes hannah montana like me.
neddie because she always thinks our hair is the same when it is not.
brighton because wears a monster suit.
haley because she plays along when i think im getting a dog.

but the reasons that i love my family as a collective body today are these:

we celebrate oktober in style with oktoberfest parteis. and we dress accordingly.

just and katt were our gracious hosts, the hostesses with the mostestes (not a word), the hosts with bratwursts on the grill and a bun in the oven.

costume contest: we are all winners, but not really because halesy and i kicked trash.

with oktoberfest officially over, permission has been granted to pull out the christmas music. which reminds me: only 2 months remain to prepare my costume for whobilation. i am hoping to find something like this:

looking like that in it might cost more than $34.99, but im a working woman now.

may the best who win.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


saturday night i was nervously pacing the front hallway, waiting for my date to come pick me up, when he called to say sorry he was running late. i asked him what his best excuse was and he told me that he didnt believe in excuses and he said that the best thing to do is always just tell the truth.


excuses are always the best option. good excuses work wonders. even bad excuses work wonders if you tell them in the right tone of voice because people dont know if it is true or not. sensitive excuses work the best, like about illnesses and death, because nobody is brave enough to call you on it. another tip is to tell the excuse in a sarcastic voice because it confuses people. the worst case scenario is that people see through you but they let it slide and call you a fool behind your back but at least you got away with it.

so here are my excuses for not blogging since my return to the states. all of them are true:

1. the seasonal transition to fall gave me anemia. there is no time to blog when you are eating iron-rich meats.
2. i felt it necessary to learn the international phonetic alphabet so i did.
3. halloween quickly approacheth and my forest nymph costume isnt going to sew itself.
4. i rediscovered the public library and it sucked me into its ever-deepening chasm. ask me about numerology. ask me about feng shui. ask me how to catch a fairy. i can tell you.
5. speaking of rediscoveries and chasms, lets talk about wal-mart. i never want to leave. i want everything from the newly updated great value brand crystal light packets to the miley cyrus line of clothing. especially the miley cyrus line of clothing.
6. miley cyrus deleted her twitter account. how can i go on.
7. i am trying to simultaneously increase my french, italian, and spanish skills whilst also trying to keep them straight. n'est pas molto bueno. that sentence has irony because it has all three languages mixed together. that is why that sentence is funny.

regardless of these true reasons (note that i said regardless, not irregardless because irregardless is not a word. please remember that the next time you want to say it.) i am pleased to announce that i have returned to the blogosphere. i knocked on blogosphere's door and i said sorry for being a bad friend, blogosphere. and he said it is ok and he let me back in. because blogosphere is kind like that.