Wednesday, April 8, 2009


today i was set to interview for a job that i didn't want, so i decided not to go to the interview. and do you know what i did?

i called them.

yep! i called! i called and said i wasn't interested in the job so i wasn't coming in! was it scary? i almost peed my pants a little. i hung up and i was like "check me out. i am the quintessence of responsibility." so i did a little responsibility dance. a jig. a responsibility jig. and then i remembered the other day when something similar happened- i couldn't do something, so i sent an email, and i was honest (none of this "i had a death in the family" crap. i have used that so many times people probably thing im an orphan... and a widow).

so i started tallying my efforts of social responsibility... 5 points for calling in to the interview, 2.7 points for emptying my garbage whilst i got gas instead of throwing it out the window on the freeway, 3 points for turning off my power strip before i left the house for the weekend.

then i threw my apple core onto my neighbor's front porch. minus 4 points.

why onto the neighbor's front porch? because i was sitting on my front porch, my hand was so so sticky from eating my apple, and i didn't want to hold it anymore. why didn't i take it in the house? i was locked out. but only for like 3 hours so no big deal! so yeah i bowled it on over to the neighbor's. i live in a condo so i can do that. i can bowl things on over to the neighbor's.

i also threw away 6 plastic grocery bags after i grocery shopped at macey's this week. in the garbage. minus 1.68 points, .28 points per bag.

at the end of my tallying, i was positive 16 points! go me. but then i thought of the real kicker.

oh yeah i killed the easter bunny. minus one million points.

Sunday, April 5, 2009


about a week ago in my journey of self-discovery, i finally came to terms with the fact that i am not an animal lover. it has always been my deep and dark secret, perhaps my deepest and darkest. in first grade when all the other girls wanted to be vets, i wanted to be an ice skater. in third grade when all the other girls chose the lisa frank trapper keepers with cats and horses, i wanted the genie one. i love my maggie and i aspire one day to own a weimaraner, but that's the end of my rope. i don't ride horses, i'm afraid of birds, and i am intolerant of cats.

as if the universe was aware of my reconcilliation, punishment was sent my way like a plague of locusts. the universe's method of torture? exposure to animal murder.

the first exposure is the most dramatic and surely the saddest. in fact, it might be the most dramatic and saddest thing that has ever happened to me ever in my whole life. if you are easily upset, you might want to skip this one.

i killed the easter bunny. we'll be lucky if easter comes at all this year.

in transit from denver (where citizen cope changed my life), at an hour of the morning which shall not be named in which it is dark, rabbit felt it necessary to cross the road. my options were limited: kill the bunny or kill five very neat, very beautiful 20-something-year-olds.


so jack lost the battle.

second exposure is just weird. if you are easily upset, i'd skip this one too. whilst i sat through yet another consumer behavior presentation, i was exposed to this commercial:

nuff said.

lastly, the lure of a space heater and a coffee toffee frosty coaxed me into four hours of the third lord of the rings movie. i absolutely won't complain for reasons not listed here,

but you know that part at the beginning when smeagol takes a bite out of a fish? i wasn't warned and i'll never eat sushi again. ok i might eat sushi again because i really like it, but if my stomach lurches we have smeagol to blame. sbaglio tuo, smeagol.