Friday, November 20, 2009


this one is for the 70-year-old lady in metallic fuchsia stretchy pants on the elliptical at 5:30 this morning.

first of all, thanks for being you. you are the best.

second of all, i just have some questions for you if you dont mind.

1 from whence have they come, those metallic stretchy pants? those leggings the color of a raspberry that collided with the north star?

if we were referring to the crayola box of 120 crayons, we could call your pants razzle dazzle rose or jazzberry jam, those fabulous pants.

2 at what point did you decide those were gym pants? im glad you did, dont get me wrong. i am glad that you did.

3 for what reason did you and your pants need to make your appearance at 5:30 in the am?

you must be at least 70, maybe pushing 80. do you have so much going on in your life that you must awake at 5 to put on those razzle dazzle jazzy pants and hit the gym by 5:30?

do you have some sort of stretchy pant convention to go to?
can i come? i would like some razzle dazzle pants too please.
and i would like mine to be metallic mermaid teal please.
the color of a mermaid who swallowed the titanic necklace please.

thank you for being there today, razzly dazzly stretchy lady. we have been inspired, truly.

also, the word of the day is billingsgate, meaning foul or abusive language. the word billingsgate sounds an awful lot like bill gates, which is why everybody should have a mac. point proven.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


im tired and dont have the mental capacity to write well so obviously i wasnt going to blog BUT i couldnt let this special day pass me by. the reason today is special is because the word of the day today is obfuscate, which is a really rad word. when the word of the day is obfuscate you cant let it go unnoticed. someone has to say something about obfuscation. so i will leave you with this use-the-word-in-a-sentence:

today at work i tried to obfuscate my bloodshot eyes so as to hide the fact that i didnt sleep well last night because i was too excited to wake up and eat the new bag of golden grahams we got at wal mart.

so good night. i just ate some golden grahams so we should be ok tonight.

Monday, November 9, 2009


it came to pass that i ate cinnamon three days ago and consequently got a cinnamon headache which pained me and i said i need a seasoned detective. its ironic that i said seasoned because this is about cinnamon, but i am using seasoned in a different context in which it does not refer to cinnamon but rather to experience.

it wasnt the first time the cinnamon headache had occurred. rather it was the one million and third time and frankly, i had had enough. so i employed the seasoned detective in me and put myself on the case.

i first asked google and google gave me few results. wait, no, google gave me 5,330,000 results. what i meant to say is that google gave me few helpful results. i cant say i checked all five million three hundred thirty thousand, but almost. google did suggest that perhaps i am allergic to cinnamon but i think that is wrong.

so i made these two lists:

things that have cinnamon that give me a headache:
cinnamon rolls (the most lethal culprit, hands down. i almost start convulsing when i walk past a cinnabon.)
cafe rio mints (they put me out of commission for two days and two nights.)
big red gum
cinnamon bears
pumpkin pie blizzards (yeah, so i tried one. and it was kind of good. so what.)
cinnamon toast crunch

things that have cinnamon that do not give me a headache:
cinnamon sugar on toast
cinnamon on yams
cinnamon life (thank heavens. i couldnt live without it)
cinnamon burst bread from great harvest (another indispensable)
kashi heart to heart cinnamon sunrise cereal

so the detective work has proven inconclusive. if i was indeed allergic to cinnamon i wouldnt be able to eat it on toast and yams. so that is not it. the real culprit is still at large, unidentified.

should i avoid cinnamon flavored things this holiday season to avoid the cinnamon headache? i should.

will i? i will not.

bring it, cinnamon.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


if you have ever seen rat race (and dont pretend you havent rented it 17 times before finally deciding to buy it. oh wait that was me) you will recall the part where cuba gooding jr steals the tour bus full of i love lucys. there is this one part where my favorite asian lucy says

"you wuined ouw whowe wacation!"

and thus in the young santistevan sisterhood, vacations are affectionately referred to as wacations.

i bring this up because i need a wacation. on my quest of self discovery in recent years, i have noticed a trend regarding a need for wacations and it is this: i know that i need a wacation when i start to get hypochondriacal (real word. look it up).

for example:

this week my right hand started to go numb and prickly and get really cold when im on the computer at work. normally i would attribute it to the fact that my arm is in the same bent position in a 60 degree office for 8 hours in a row.

not today. today i think i have carpal tunnel and i need to have surgery before my insurance runs out.

last night i couldnt sleep. i ended up eating toast on french bread and watching the most recent episode of glee at 3 o clock am. normally i would reason that it was because i drank 2 coke zeroes with dinner so that i would be awake for regina spektor (which changed my life. she is absolutely the most talented regina i have ever met.)

but not today. today i think i have a sleep disorder and i need lunesta.

now im pretty tired. my eyes cant hardly stay open so my contacts keep hurting. my face looks like death slapped me on the cheek and then ate me and then spat me out again. my skin and hair are dry and my limbs refuse to move. on any normal day i would suppose that its because i didnt sleep last night because i stayed up eating toast on french bread and watching the latest episode of glee because i drank two coke zeroes so i could stay up for regina.

but today is no normal day. today i have decided that i am iron deficient and i need some slow fe which is a slow release iron pill or i need to go to fuddruckers for dinner.

i could go on but i wont. ill simply deduce that i need a wacation. i proposed taking a cruise next week but my mom said we are not in high school and we have to be responsible adults and show up for work. so ill just schedule my carpal tunnel surgery, drink some caffeine, take my lunesta, and eat my hamburger.

(if anybody is up for NOT being an adult and showing up for work this week, please contact me. i will meet you in aruba.)