Sunday, March 22, 2009


i recently became engrossed with the notion that i have eye cancer. at first it was a passing thought but as the evidence has begun to manifest itself, the thought has stuck...

i decided to investigate by running a list of my symptoms on Web MD. if i wasn't a hypochondriac before i visited Web MD, i am now! the problem is that they give you a comprehensive list of symptoms to choose from. at first i was discriminatory but soon the list began to wear down my soul.

do you have neon floaty zigzags in your eye?
nothing of the sort.
do you have wandering lines in your field of vision?
uh not really.
do cloudy spots float across your retina at frequent intervals?
well now that you mention it...
do you see shapes, letters, numbers, musical notes, and incan hieroglyphics in neon colors?
yes, yes, how did you know!

once i realize that i do indeed see incan hieroglyphics in neon colors, i remember that i actually do have some wandering lines and floaty zigzags so i have to go back and change those answers to yes.

so by the time i finish the symptom checker, turns out i don't have eye cancer at all... i have, in reality, a brain aneurysm! just as i suspected.

so that's it then. i'm going the way of izzy stevens. mom asked if i wanted to go see the doctor. it doesn't matter now, mom. if grey's has taught me one thing it is that things like brain aneurysms aren't found the first time around... or the second, or the third. it isn't until you force an entire army of surgical interns to study your case that they find the cause of your pain. and even then, you're screwed unless one of the interns has a photographic memory and happened to memorize the chapter about detecting brain aneurysms when every single test comes back standard. so the odds aren't really in my favor.

no complaints though- i've had a very fulfilling 20 years. i've seen a lot of great things. like the glorious return of harem pants. my only wish is that when the aneurysm ruptures and i begin to bleed into my brain (subarachnoid hemorrhaging), somebody fly my fated corpse to a savage land so that Justin will let me be cremated without banishing my soul to hell.

(btw, it's no coincidence that cremation rhymes with elation... and vacation, and salvation, and celebration.)


  1. Haha, savage land is right... Watch yo'self!

  2. Ok that's hilarious and kind-of sick! You seriously need to stop watching Greys! Love you Izzy!

  3. This is pure comedic brilliance. Comelliance.

    There ya go. That's your rap name.

  4. no way steph! i just found your blog. i am officially stalking it now. you are the bomb track. love sarah jane ryther. ps...feel free to stalk me back

  5. You can't die, Steph! You just can't!!!
    Also, cremation ryhmes with desecration, humiliation, constipation, damnation and national aeronautics and space administration.